I first learned what the term “clean eating” was on my 39th Birthday. At that time, I was a Mom of two toddlers, eating for convenience (think flavored Oatmeal packets, my kids’ goldfish and leftover Chicken Nuggets, crackers and cheese and to-go Salads topped with Ranch and all the fixings). If you told me it was fat-free I would eat it. After all, that’s what we were told by the media – fat makes you fat. Little did I know, that fat-free meant it was filled with chemicals and processed foods. I was never a label reader, sure I ate fruit and some veggies but processed foods and refined sugars made up 80% of my weekly food intake.
I was at the point where my clothes were so snug, and my belly had a tremendous amount of bloat and extra weight around it. I knew I had muscle tone underneath but it was covered by a good layer of bloat and pounds. I was doing cardio galore, so I had no idea what I was doing wrong. Well sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. I was a Fitness Instructor, shouldn’t I have this all figured out? The answer was no, and I wanted so badly to feel better but didn’t know HOW.
So I started a clean eating routine. I actually ordered a Pilates/Yoga/Barre type of workout to do at-home and that came with a clean eating meal plan, and some plant-based superfoods as a bonus! I figured if my running and gym workouts weren’t cutting it, why not try something new. I had a goal– to be FIT by 40 and I had one year. I knew it wasn’t going to be overnight, so I dug in. I announced to my family and friends that I was going to eat clean for the month of August, and they laughed.
Well it didn’t take me long, maybe a few weeks, to see and feel a difference. Inches fell off first, and then weight. My skin was better, my mood, and my energy. There was no 3pm crash, or cravings for pop and candy. I ditched the soda habit actually and traded it for sparkling water. I replaced the flavored oatmeal packets for whole oats topped with Greek Yogurt, berries and peanut butter. It was like dessert for breakfast. I started feeling SO good that August went by, and I kept going.
I am 7.5 years strong, and over the holidays I let some habits slip back into my routine. The treats in the cupboard were calling my name more often than normal. I was saying yes to the glass of wine more frequently. Instead of taking a few minutes to cut up the veggies, I was grabbing snacks from a bag. I began to see some old habits creep back in after YEARS of saying good-bye to them. Two years of stress and grief will do that to you. I was tired, stressed and taking the easy route because I didn’t feel up to going the extra step on habits that were already there.
So I am 12 days into re-committing to ME! Eating clean, doing low-impact workouts to give my body a break just like I did 7.5 years ago. I am hydrating like a fool. I haven’t had a sip of wine for 12 days. I feel more energetic, happy, and my muscles aren’t so tight. I have dropped inches and pounds, but more importantly feel ME again.
So this is a reminder that we only feel as good as we fuel our bodies! Food is thy medicine and medicine is thy food. Many of our health woes can be cured with whole, real fresh foods! I know it sounds cliché but our health is our wealth. If we don’t have good health, our quality of life is taken away. Our gut has more impact on our health than we realize — so here’s some tips to get your health back on track if you are moody, bloated, lacking energy, finding it hard to sleep, have digestion issues, have skin issues, are dealing with anxiety or depression.
Read labels- don’t eat it if you don’t recognize what it is
Make healthy food easy- wash and cut veggies, make some proteins and grains in advance so you can grab and go!
Drink at least half of your body weight in ounces each day
Move your body five days a week – low-impact is great to start.
Make changes slowly, when you try to do it all at once it may be overwhelming (ditch the soda habit, then eat more veggies, then focus on protein, then water, then exercise.) Set yourself up for success and sometimes that’s easing into it!
Keep going with your changes and don’t look back. If you slip, remind yourself how much better you feel when you eat clean! Yes you can still have your favorite things in moderation but whole, real fresh foods are what FUEL us for life. Processed foods and refined sugars slow us down and that’s when all the ailments creep in!
If you are looking for some help in your clean eating journey, I am starting a GUT HEALTh is WEALTH group on March 28th, just click this link to fill out my interest form and I’ll be in touch! https://forms.gle/3Yi2bVLA3b32MNhv8
Well six months have passed since I have heard your voice or have seen your big smile. In fact, right around St. Patrick’s Day was close to the sixth-month anniversary of your journey to heaven. I know you spent St. Patricks’ day wearing your fun Irish hats, beads and spreading your Irish humor and fun. There is not one single day that I don’t think of you. To be honest, the first 3 months after you had left us I cried myself to sleep every single night. I think when you lose someone so close, you hang onto those last memories that you had with them. My memories were watching your 10-day transition to Heaven and although it was very sweet, calm and full of love — it was also heartbreaking. I do feel blessed that I had that time with you, as I know not everyone does. I truly thought I had more time with you, so it was hard to wrap my brain around the fact that it came so quickly. You were my person for 24 years– my Mom and my Dad. The amount of calls that came between us may have been more than a typical Father and Daughter- who knows, but what is typical. All I know is that you were always there. You were there to ask about my jobs, my boys, my daily life and all the ups and downs. You were so easy to talk to, that’s probably why you had so many friends and loved ones singing your praises. So yes, for the first few months I was extremely sad and trying to navigate life without you. But once the New Year hit- I knew that I had to try a little harder to work on my mindset. I could remain sad and replay those last 10 days over and over, or I could try to replace those memories with really happy memories. We have so many happy memories, so each day I would pick a few while I was out walking and focus on those. I would try to talk to you more, ask you to show me signs you were OK or if I saw a certain bird I wondered if that was you saying hi.
Grief does crazy things- the mix of sadness, disbelief and denial, anger, and all of the things that just come out of nowhere seem to make no sense. But that’s what grief is- it makes no sense and it is different for everyone. I learned to just let it happen when it happened and to take care of me. Focusing on the happy times helped to train my brain to find those memories vs. re-playing those last 10 days in my head.
In February, I started to journal. Each morning I would just write you a little letter and tell you what was on my mind that day in missing you, or remembering things we did or laughed about. I shared things that I knew you’d get a kick out of, and ask you questions about being in Heaven. This journal has helped me cope and heal a bit more and I look forward to continuing it.
Grief takes time and we can’t be hard on ourselves. If we find ourselves sad out of the blue- holidays are especially hard for me (even Valentine’s Day was)– it is OK. This is the year of firsts– and every single first without your person will be hard. You are trying to find your way without this person and it’s not a choice you were given- it’s something you have to deal with, cope with and find ways to keep your person close to you. Mine are journaling, taking walks and looking for things in nature as signs you are with me, and remembering all the good memories.
I hope that by sharing my grief journey here and there, I am inspiring or helping someone else on their grief journey too. Be good to yourself. I make sure I focus on sleep (which seems to be better now than those first 1-3 months), getting exercise, and taking care of my emotional and physical needs. The last thing I want or need is to fall hard because of stress and not dealing with my grieving in a healthy way. So even though it may be hard to find motivation certain days– just make sure you take care of you!
Here is my clean version of the Pumpkin Spice Latte — which I think is delicious. I love Fall for mums, running weather, leaves changing, football, chili, apple crisp, orchard apples and pumpkin.
I honestly prefer my homemade Pumpkin Spice Latte to the ‘Bucks version – I can doctor it up to make it more pumpkin, more coffee, more sweet or less. Plus saves me a heck of a lot of money this season and sugar/calories (I am all about treating yourself but a latte out MORE days than not doesn’t align with my goals personally). I work hard and my hard work is also reflected in the kitchen.
Here it goes: Put in a blender: -brewed coffee (1-3 cups depending on how big your cup is, mine is BIG) -4 to 5 tablespoons of unsweetened vanilla almond milk (little less than 1/4 cup) -2 Tablespoons of organic pumpkin -1 teaspoon of cinnamon -1 teaspoon of pumpkin spice -1/4 tsp of pure vanilla -few drops of liquid Stevia
I put these all into a small blender cup, blend on high for 5 seconds and then pour back into my coffee cup ready to go!
This is a story about a girl….A girl who had a special bond with her Dad. He came to all her games as a kid while her Mom worked. He drove her to school many days, he took her to get ice cream, go for walks and so much more. They snowmobiled in the winters, and they went to the lake up north in the summers.
This girl respected and listened to his rules as a kid (being a little strict at times), and as an adult became friends with him. He taught her that rules and respect happen at home. She listened, she never wanted to disappoint him.
Their relationship changed when she lost her Mom when she was 21 (and in her last year of college). Her Dad now became her best friend. Their bond grew stronger as he had to be her Mom AND Dad for the next 24 years. As an adult, they took trips, they reminisced about him coaching her softball games, they had lunches, coffee, he got to meet her husband-to-be (at the time) and created a bond with him over sports, Wisconsin and life. He then watched her raise her sons and cheered them on in all they did, took them fishing, spoiled them with treats and gave them belly laughs with his humor.
This is a story about a girl who never dreamed of a wedding dress or certain things for her wedding day, but just dreamed her Dad could be there to walk her down the aisle.
This is a story about a girl who watched her Dad fight SO hard the past 18 months (from Diabetes complications), and she was by his side telling him it was NOT an option to stop.
This is a story about a girl who called her Dad a few times a week just to talk and he was always there for her.
This is a story about a girl who shared a few amazing memories this summer with her Dad- taking the boys boating and fishing, a day on the river with all four of his kids and his brother.
This is a story about a girl who saw her Dad made friends with every single person he met with his warm and kind personality- she learned so much by watching how he treated others. He lit up a room when he walked in and ALWAYS asked, “How are you doing?” He was full of life, full of personality and full of warmth. He was always kind, funny and someone you wanted to be around.
This is a story about a girl who knew the time came where he couldn’t fight anymore, so she spent special time with him. Each day was a blessing, and she cherished it with all her heart. She understood, even thought it was hard. She told him all the things, and he told her he lived fully and now it was time to go.This is a story about a girl who knew the end was coming very soon (within hours), so she told him he could go and be an angel and she was so confident he would watch over her! She re-assured him that she’d make sure she lived out his legacy and teach her boys to do the same.
This is a story about a girl who told him “Sweet Daddy, it’s your time”……and an hour after she left, he took his last breathe. Maybe he needed to see/hear her one more time, maybe he needed the re-assurance his baby would be OK and has so many people to take care of her, maybe he was being called to his new life right after she left and the timing was exactly how it was supposed to be.
This is a story about a girl who is heart broken that the most amazing man she has ever known for her entire life is no longer here to call or see. BUT she knows he is in an amazing place, ailment free and watching over her already. He believed in her more than she believe in herself — and he has taught her that she can and will do anything she sets her mind to!This is my story, and I am this girl. I was so blessed to have the most amazing father, a special bond for 45 years, so many memories and so much love.
This story has a new chapter, and I don’t know where it will bring me but I know it’s living out his legacy and honoring him every day.
Cheers to a wonderful man that I got to have for 45 years. I miss you already, but every day I will look for signs from you. RIP sweet Daddy, until I see you again…..
I think quarantine time can be compared to a roller coaster 🎢 for most of us (if I had to generalize). Days are fine and you have found a groove and then all of a sudden you have an off day that hits you like a ton of bricks.
It’s hard to explain, it doesn’t have ration. But grief of life as we knew it is what’s happening. And it’s OK to let yourself feel both sides of the spectrum. Grief has stages. I fought myself for feeling guilty about missing things because I know there are far worse things others are going through, but I truly believe in order to cope and deal you just have to let yourself have the swings and not feel guilty. This is affecting you and your life in your own way.
Yes we can feel grateful— and still miss certain things. ❤️
Yes we can appreciate the time with our family— but still get overwhelmed by their constant presence.❤️
Yes we can be hopeful— but also worry about the unknown. ❤️
Yes we can help others— but still need to find ways to fill our own cups too. ❤️
It’s confusing. It’s a lot. We’ve never done this before. ❤️
Today I was grateful for an Easter where my boys seemed happy, and we made the best of not seeing our extended family like previous Easters. We had a great weekend and spent all day outside yesterday. I talked to neighbors from our yards and took a run. It was nice.
But then it hit me tonight- what I wouldn’t do to have it be our typical Easter traditions with extended family. Or how I miss baseball season, and watch this guy in his element. I wouldn’t even complain about washing those darn white pants full of stains lol. I wouldn’t complain about a rainy tournament or dragging my wagon to the ball park. What I wouldn’t do to see my favorite people, make plans and hug them in person. These waves of emotions can hit hard. So when they do, I learn to lean in and do some self-care (yoga, meditation, walking outside to get fresh air and breathe), or talk to a friend.
This situation sure brings perspective. We will never take certain things for granted coming out of it. It will leave a mark on everyone. But we will be OK.
What’s one thing you’d give anything to be able to do?
You know those years that life hands you the lemons, throws you that curveball or you hit that bump on the road that you didn’t expect? That was my life this past year. The thing is, we all have those years- we just never know when they will happen or what the circumstance may be. I heard the quote “2019 didn’t break me, it only made me stronger” somewhere and that is truly my motto for 2019.
It’s crazy how you can be going through life as you normally know it, and then all of a sudden the scenery looks different. You get the call, the bad news, or the series of events that leads to crisis mode eventually. You aren’t moving forward anymore, you feel like time has literally frozen. It seems like everyone else’s life is going on per usual, but yours is not. You can’t quite make plans because some weeks are very unknown. You can’t look ahead because the road isn’t clear with too many unknowns, and your normal routine is totally off. It’s living in crisis mode and you feel isolated and lonely because you are the only one that understands your new reality. People check in here and there to see how you are doing or how they can help, and you have no idea what to tell them because you are taking it hour by hour, day by day. You are just doing what you have to do to survive and keep some sense of normalcy for your kids, and yourself whenever possible.
I have been there for friends during a season of hard. I have been in a season of hard before too, but it has been over 20 years. The thing about life is that we will all experience seasons of hard- some more than others maybe, some will be spread out, some will happen consecutively. They all look different— from the failed marriages, to the diagnosis, or the sick loved one to take care of, or the miscarriage, or the death, and the list goes on. Life surely is NOT fair. But when your season of not fair is upon you, what you can do to get through it is BE GOOD TO YOU.
During my season of hard, I still worked out six days a week. Some may think that’s absurd, but it was literally the one thing that got me out of bed and moving each day. Once my body started moving in the workout, I felt my the emotions leaving me a bit, the focus coming back in, the endorphins helping my mood, and when I was done….I was reminded that I could do HARD THINGS because that 30-40 minute session was hard. It’s crazy how just a simple thing in your routine can help your mindset, and yes my body needed that outlet too. When I had my hard season over 20 some years ago, self-care was not on my list. I suffered because of it. My season of hard took me years to get over. This time? I put self-care at the top of the list, even if it looked slightly different– I fought for me each day so that I could be STRONG for the situation and the person that needed me to be STRONG FOR THEM.
So just remember that when someone else needs you, you have to work on being strong. And even if the thing is happening to YOU directly, you need to be strong for you too. I don’t want to know what life would have looked like this year if I didn’t take care of me. My kids needed me during this time, my husband needed me present during this time. Sure I felt like I wasn’t the best Mom or wife at times when my mind was elsewhere a lot of weeks, or I was physically gone more— but I did the best I could. I tried to keep my home life as normal as possible, and my workouts were my saving grace to remind me that I am strong, and that I CAN get through tough seasons. And you know what?? 2019 didn’t break me, it only made me stronger.
As I enter 2020, I have a new focus. I let go of the things that don’t serve me, as I had to in that season of hard. So I have a different perspective this year. Sometimes the seasons of hard give you new perspective, as a matter of fact they always do.
So here’s hoping that you don’t experience a season of hard, but if you do– do the things to keep you strong mentally and physically so you come out stronger, and then it’s your time to be there for others during their season of hard.
A lot has been swirling in my brain these past few months, so today is the day to share it. Here it goes….
Twenty-three years ago, I had just lost my Mom to cancer.
That Fall, I was just entering my senior year of college. Most kids were excited about the last year; some had jobs or grad school line up. Most were out whooping it up on the weekends at house parties or the local watering holes. However, my senior year had a different view. My world had just been completely turned upside down. I was sad, mad, lonely, and felt very lost. Nobody could relate to me– most hadn’t experienced loss or watched a loved one suffer from a life-ending disease. Instead of going out, I spent time at the library or in my room crying myself to sleep.
It was my Mom’s last dying wish to see me graduate, so the fact that stage four Ovarian Cancer took her before that had left me feeling all the emotions, as you can imagine. I didn’t know how to cope, deal or move on in my senior year (or even my post college years for that matter).
In her four year battle, she had four kids and two grandkids as a reminder to keep pushing through the chemo, the sick days, the hair loss, the colostomy bag and many surgeries and relapses. She had an amazing job that she worked so hard at. She was a nurse her entire career until she moved into medical device sales when I was in 8th grade. My Mom was a fighter through and through, everyone knew that because it was in her bones and DNA. She was healthy, a runner actually. She touched so many lives in her nursing and sales career and everyone loved her smile, energy and personality. She had SO many people rooting for her, but she protected those super close to her by taking on cancer by herself initially. I remember her telling me she had to go in for just a little surgery, sparing me the fact that it was stage four Ovarian Cancer. I know she wanted to protect me, and save me from worry being that I was only 17. But as a worry-wart by nature, even if I didn’t know the whole story I was always worrying. I was her “Pina-Colada” as she called me, the youngest of the four kids by seven years. I know she didn’t want to tell me how bad it was, because she was determined to beat it. But we all know now, that Ovarian Cancer is a silent one– often undetected until it’s too late (and yes I get extra screenings each year now). She was sick off and on for four years. She even beat cancer a few times and went into remission; but that final year it reared it’s ugly head with more force and audacity.
During the summer she passed away, I was home from college. It was so hard to watch her be sick and slowly fade away. I watched with one eye if that makes sense. I couldn’t even imagine life without her, so I didn’t even go there. This was my Mom, I needed her. I was young, and she was my rock. I didn’t talk about the “what if” scenarios. When it really got bad at the end I know she couldn’t even look at me without tears in her eyes or her heart breaking because she was so worried about me. Who would take care of me, would I be ok, what did my future hold?
But as a young 21 year old, I was in denial that I was losing her. I stayed so busy that final summer- with a nanny job, softball games, and spending time with the boyfriend or friends. We had family members rotating shifts at our house so I wasn’t alone in caring for her- she was hooked up to IVs for food, and she had a colostomy bag. I think I probably knew what was coming, but I shoved it out of my mind and just stayed busy- being with her when I was home and helping her. She moved to the hospital the last few weeks of her life. It was at the U of M Cancer Center, so it was a bit of a drive from Stillwater. I went to visit, but of course still tried to stay busy nannying and playing softball. When the end was near, a sibling had to tell me to quit my nanny job, and to also get to the hospital STAT because the end was getting near. It was hard to go, my heart was breaking. But we took shifts that last week of being with her around the clock and on her final day, I did tell her all the things I wanted to tell her. I gave her permission to go, if she needed to and that I would be OK eventually. I felt like she was hanging on as she was worried about me. All of us would take this hard, but the others had homes, jobs and significant others. It was after I left the hospital that she decided it was her time to go to Heaven. I believe she chose to wait until I was gone, because if I had been there there’s no way I would have been able to deal with it. Getting the call at home a few hours later, and going back to the hospital to officially say good-bye is forever etched in my mind and brain. I fell to the floor, I couldn’t breathe and I had a panic attack. Typing that out makes my hair stand up and brings tears to my eyes still.
I didn’t come to terms with my emotions or recognize them after she was gone. I never talked to anyone besides maybe two close people I confided in. I didn’t take care of me, and I went into a downward spiral the years after her death. Emotional eating, anxiety and some self-destructive behaviors crept in during my early 20s. I gained 40 pounds over time. I felt lost, frustrated and stuck. Most of my friends loved their jobs, or were getting married- and here I was going through the motions with a job I didn’t love, and not really knowing who I was, what I wanted or where I was going. And as for dating? I wasn’t close to being ready to settle down in my 20s with really needed to work on ME, love ME, before I could love someone else.
Fast forward, I had years to work on ME when I was ready to. I started exercising, eating better, coping with my anxiety and finding what made ME happy. I found passion and energy in life again. I began running. I ran my first marathon at the age of 28 as a way to show her and myself that I was strong and I’d be OK, even if life sucked without her. I lost 40 pounds over the next year after the marathon and fell in love with fitness, so I started to pursue a career in fitness on the side of my corporate job. I then met my husband because I truly loved ME and found the piece of my heart that was missing. When my corporate years came to an end so I could stay at-home and raise kids, I jumped into heath and fitness full force with Personal Training and virtual wellness coaching and being my own boss. Life happened to me early, but it made me dig deep, spend time with myself, have life experiences like travel and meeting people all over and it helped shaped me into the person I am today!
Now at 44, I am going through a similar health experience with my Dad. Stage Two Diabetes has reared its ugly head in his body after 20 years. This summer he had two (partial) foot amputations, many hospital stays and months in transitional care. He went home over Labor Day for three days finally, but came down with an infection so back to the hospital he went. A week stay that time around and some more scary days, we weren’t sure which direction he was headed but he turned a corner thankfully. Back to Transitional Care he goes to get stronger and cared for by professionals. So this journey continues, and once again watching a parent suffer, and go through trauma is extremely difficult. Not knowing what could happen is extremely difficult. Having really rough patches and then good days throws your mind and emotions for loops.
But this time, the view is a little different for me……..
Is it unfair to go through this twice? Yep, I am not in denial this time. I am letting myself feel all the feelings- scared, fear, mad, resentful, etc… I am taking care of myself this time- workouts (for stress-relief and me time) and eating. My daily exercise habits are there, and there’s no way I am letting them go during a time where I need an outlet the most! It’s what makes me feel stronger inside and out, so I can go be a strong daughter. I am pouring my heart and soul into being one of his cheerleaders, motivators and caretakers. I’m the schedule lady, keeping track of all of his appointments and getting all the calls from social workers or clinics. I am there pretty much every other day, checking in on him, advocating for his health, and being one of his rocks (he is lucky to have four kids and a girlfriend to support him, along with lots of friends). This time I am not running away, but I’m right front and center. This time around I am having the hard conversations even with him- and helping him stay strong mentally so he can push past those really hard days. Yes it’s emotionally taxing to help someone fight for life, but it’s worth every second. It’s hard to be “on” in that way and then come home and be “on” as a Mom and Health Motivator in my job. But I can do it. It’s a season of life, and it may be the new normal but I’ll adjust. I was young the first time around, I didn’t know how to balance life and trauma. This time around, I am a Mom, Wife and Health Motivator. Coaching people is what I do. I can be the rock he needs because I work on me, I have worked on me for over 20 years, and I have a gift to offer.
I have a group of ladies that I coach virtually, and they remind me to keep showing up for me each day in my health so I can be STRONG for my Dad and my kids and husband. There are days I don’t feel strong, but after a workout it reminds me that I am. I signed up for a 10-mile race this October because I once again, want a goal to keep me mentally and physically challenged so I can remind myself how strong I am. (It’s just my thing I like to do to give myself a mental push as that spreads into my life in other places if that makes sense).
So yes, I am here again. But the view looks different this time. I am older, stronger and wiser but the message is the same! Life throws you for loops and it’s unfair at times but you “NEVER GIVE UP.” You don’t give up on you, and you remind others to not give up in their battles too! I remind my Dad everyday of this, and myself. I couldn’t speak those words out loud to my Mom, but she knew. She knew I had to do what I needed to do to cope.
Whatever battle you are going through – don’t give up. Life will try to knock you down, but I am here to remind you that you are strong. You can do hard things, and you can help others do hard things too! It’s going to suck, it’s going to wear on you– but you WILL come out stronger if you persevere and lean into others, shut the white noise out (the things that don’t matter or can’t be paid attention to), don’t get too far ahead, and take care of you (exercise, sleep if possible, eating good 80% of the time, mediation, yoga or mindfulness- whatever helps you).
My passion for health is even stronger, cancer took my life best friend and Diabetes is trying to take another life best friend. Yep, I’m here again, but the view is different this time. My mind, body, and spirit is stronger from life experiences. My mission is to help others take care of themselves too, because you never know when others may need you to be strong!
A lot has been swirling in my brain these past few months, so today is the day to share it. Here it goes….
Exactly 23 years ago (well in August of 1996 to be exact), I had just lost my Mom to cancer.
That Fall, I was just entering my senior year of college. Most kids were excited about the last year; some had jobs or grad school line up. Most were out whooping it up on the weekends at house parties or the local watering holes. However, my senior year had a different view. My world had just been completely turned upside down. I was sad, mad, lonely, and felt very lost. Nobody could relate to me– most hadn’t experienced loss or watched a loved one suffer from a life-ending disease. Instead of going out, I spent time at the library or in my room crying myself to sleep.
It was my Mom’s last dying wish to see me graduate, so the fact that stage four Ovarian Cancer took her before that had left me feeling all the feels, as you can imagine. I didn’t know how to cope, deal or move on in my senior year (or even my post college years for that matter).
In her four year battle, she had four kids and two grandkids as a reminder to keep pushing through the chemo, the sick days, the hair loss, the colostomy bag and many surgeries and relapses. She had an amazing job that she worked so hard at. She was a nurse her entire career until she moved into medical device sales when I was in 8th grade. My Mom was a fighter through and through, everyone knew that because it was in her bones and DNA. She was healthy, a runner actually. She touched so many lives in her nursing and sales career and everyone loved her smile, energy and personality. She had SO many people rooting for her, but she protected those super close to her by taking on cancer by herself initially. I remember her telling me she had to go in for just a little surgery, sparing me the fact that it was stage four Ovarian Cancer. I know she wanted to protect me, and save me from worry being that I was only 17. But as a worry-wart by nature, even if I didn’t know the whole story I was always worrying. I was her “Pina-Colada” as she called me, the youngest of the four kids by seven years. I know she didn’t want to tell me how bad it was, because she was determined to beat it. But we all know now, that Ovarian Cancer is a silent one– often undetected until it’s too late (and yes I get extra screenings each year now). She was sick off and on for four years. She even beat cancer a few times and went into remission; but that final year it reared it’s ugly head with more force and audacity.
During the summer she passed away, I was home from college. It was so hard to watch her be sick and slowly fade away. I watched with one eye if that makes sense. I couldn’t even imagine life without her, so I didn’t even go there. This was my Mom, I needed her. I was young, and she was my rock. I didn’t talk about the “what if” scenarios. When it really got bad at the end I know she couldn’t even look at me without tears in her eyes or her heart breaking because she was so worried about me. Who would take care of me, would I be ok, what did my future hold?
But as a young 21 year old, I was in denial that I was losing her. I stayed so busy that final summer- with a nanny job, softball games, and spending time with the boyfriend or friends. We had family members rotating shifts at our house so I wasn’t alone in caring for her- she was hooked up to IVs for food, and she had a colostomy bag. I think I probably knew what was coming, but I shoved it out of my mind and just stayed busy- being with her when I was home and helping her. She moved to the hospital the last few weeks of her life. It was at the U of M Cancer Center, so it was a bit of a drive from Stillwater. I went to visit, but of course still tried to stay busy nannying and playing softball. When the end was near, a sibling had to tell me to quit my nanny job, and to also get to the hospital STAT because the end was getting near. It was hard to go, my heart was breaking. But we took shifts that last week of being with her around the clock and on her final day, I did tell her all the things I wanted to tell her. I gave her permission to go, if she needed to and that I would be OK eventually. I felt like she was hanging on as she was worried about me. All of us would take this hard, but the others had homes, jobs and significant others. It was after I left the hospital that she decided it was her time to go to Heaven. I believe she chose to wait until I was gone, because if I had been there there’s no way I would have been able to deal with it. Getting the call at home a few hours later, and going back to the hospital to officially say good-bye is forever etched in my mind and brain. I fell to the floor, I couldn’t breathe and I had a panic attack.
I didn’t come to terms with my emotions or recognize them after she was gone. I never talked to anyone besides maybe two close people I confided in. I didn’t take care of me, and I went into a downward spiral the years after her death. Emotional eating, anxiety and some self-destructive behaviors crept in during my early 20s. I gained 40 pounds over time. I felt lost, frustrated and stuck. Most of my friends loved their jobs, or were getting married- and here I was going through the motions with a job I didn’t love, and not really knowing who I was, what I wanted or where I was going.
Fast forward, I had years to work on ME when I was ready to. I started exercising, eating better, coping with my anxiety and finding what made ME happy. I found passion and energy in life again. I began running. I ran my first marathon at the age of 28 as a way to show her and myself that I was strong and I’d be OK, even if life sucked without her. I lost 40 pounds over the next year after the marathon and fell in love with fitness, so I started to pursue a career in fitness on the side of my corporate job. When my corporate years came to an end so I could stay at-home and raise kids, I jumped into heath and fitness full force with Personal Training and virtual wellness coaching and being my own boss. Life happened to me early, but it made me dig deep, spend time with myself, have life experiences like travel and meeting people all over and it helped shaped me into the person I am today!
Now at 44, I am going through a similar health experience with my Dad. Stage Two Diabetes has reared its ugly head in his body after 20 years of having it. This summer he had two (partial) foot amputations, many hospital stays and months in transitional care. He went home over Labor Day for three days finally, but came down with an infection so back to the hospital he went. A week stay and some scary days, we weren’t sure which direction he was headed but he turned a corner thankfully. Back to transition care he goes to get stronger and cared for. So this journey continues, and once again watching a parent suffer, and go through trauma is extremely difficult. Not knowing what could happen is extremely difficult. Having really rough patches and then good days throws you for loops.
But this time, it looks a little different for me……..
Is it unfair to go through this twice? Yep, but this time around I am not in denial this time. I am letting myself feel all the feelings- scared, fear, mad, resentful, etc… I am taking care of myself this time- workouts and eating. My daily exercise habits are there, and there’s no way I am letting them go during a time where I need an outlet the most! It’s what makes me feel stronger inside and out, so I can go be a strong daughter. I am pouring my heart and soul into being one of his cheerleaders, motivators and caretakers. I’m the schedule lady, keeping track of all of his appointments. I am there pretty much every other day, checking in on him, advocating for his health, going to appointments and meetings. This time I am not running away, but I’m right front and center. This time around I am having the hard conversations even with him- and helping him stay strong mentally so he can push past those really hard days. Yes it’s emotionally taxing to help someone fight for life, but it’s worth every second. I was young the first time around, I didn’t know how to do that. This time around, I am a Mom, Wife and Health Motivator. Coaching people is what I do. I can be the rock he needs because i work on me, I have worked on me, and I have a gift to offer.
I have a group of ladies that I coach virtually, and they remind me to keep showing up for me each day in my health so I can be STRONG for my Dad and my kids and husband. There are days I don’t feel strong, but after a workout it reminds me that I am. I signed up for a 10-mile race this October because I once again, want a goal to keep me mentally and physically challenged so I can remind myself how strong I am. (It’s just my thing I like to do to give myself a mental push as that spreads into my life in other places if that makes sense).
So yes, I am here again. But the view looks different this time. I am older, stronger and wiser but the message is the same! Life throws you for loops and it’s unfair at times but you “NEVER GIVE UP.” You don’t give up on you, and you remind others to not give up in their battles too! I remind my Dad everyday of this, and myself. I couldn’t speak those words out loud to my Mom, but she knew. She knew I had to do what I needed to do to cope.
Whatever battle you are going through – don’t give up. Life will try to knock you down, but I am here to remind you that you are strong. You can do hard things, and you can help others do hard things too! It’s going to suck, it’s going to wear on you– but you WILL come out stronger if you persevere and lean into others, shut the white noise out (the things that don’t matter or can’t be paid attention to), don’t get too far ahead, and take care of you (exercise, sleep if possible, eating good 80% of the time, mediation, yoga or mindfulness- whatever helps you!
My passion for health is even stronger, cancer took my life best friend and Diabetes is trying to take another life best friend. Yep, I’m here again, but the view is different this time- my mind, body, and spirit is stronger from life experiences. My mission is to help others take care of themselves too, because you never know when others may need you to be strong!
When you start a health journey, or business– there will be days where you don’t feel like showing up. Maybe your bed is more cozy than getting up to change into workout clothes. Maybe sipping coffee slowly and watching a replay of The Real Housewives after the kids go off to school sounds better than plugging into your online business.
Well in either cases, you need a WHY to help you do the hard things, to help you show up day after day even when you may not feel like it.
My reason for living a healthy lifestyle is twofold. My first reason is I lost my Mom early in life. She was 53 and I was 21. It rocked my world. I gained 40 pounds and a bunch of anxiety. When I finally started to work on me with exercise and eating better, I had re-gained that spark of who I was before I had lost her. I found confidence and happiness within again. I felt so good that I wanted to pay that forward to help others. So now health and fitness is my career. But everyday the reason why I get up out of bed to workout, and why I choose to eat whole foods in my day is because I know what it felt like to NOT feel good. There’s NO way I am going back. There’s also a lot of disease that runs in my family, so I need to combat anything that I am dispositioned to if I can have a say in it!
My reason for showing up for my online business each day is twofold too. Gosh, I can’t just have an EASY one-line answer huh? My first reason is my Mom. She was a successful business woman who taught me to go after my dreams, goals, not be afraid of change and make big leaps when she left her nursing job after 25+ years to go into medical sales. I know she would be proud of me today for starting my own business and following my dreams and heart. My other reason is of course my family of three- my boys. I have two young boys and an older boy (my husband LOL). He’s four years younger than me, so he’s not old– I AM! But I want to spend time with them and not be in a corporate job 8-5 with a commute. I want to be able to take them on trips and create new memories and experiences with them. I want them to see how hard work pays off by creating a life that has more freedoms than an office job or a job at the gym. I am currently creating that right now and they have seen some doses of it and keep asking me when I get to this point, can we go do x, y, and z. For me, being able to work from home and be flexible to get my kids to school, to volunteer on their fieldtrips, to be at home when they return for the day and to shuffle them off to sports is a HUGE reason to do the hard things during the day. Nothing worth having comes easy, so that’s why my business is important to me and I take it seriously.
So dig deep, find that WHY. Put a picture up to remind you of it every.single.day! And once it becomes a routine you won’t question showing up or not, it will become WHO you are and you will keep crushing those goals and dreams because we all know consistency pays off!
Fitness With Bridget 